“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”

President Ronald Reagan made this statement while in the shadows of the Berlin Wall. This wall separated communist-controlled East Berlin from democratic West Berlin. His words were not a threat, but an invitation.

“If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity,” was the prelude to his invitation. In other words, we’re not going to tear down your wall, we will respect your wall. However, if you tear it down you’ll enjoy something that you’ll never regret.

I am often asked, “My spouse has built up a wall, how do I tear it down?” My answer is always the same. “You don’t! If you take a pickaxe to the wall your spouse will build it thicker and higher.”

Instead, throw a picnic just outside of the wall.

Walls are always about safety. If you start ripping down the wall your spouse will feel less safe. You may tell me that you’re the biggest teddy bear in the world but if your spouse doesn’t feel safe, you won’t make much progress.

So what’s the picnic?

It’s something fun, peaceful, or friendly, with a low level of commitment. When your spouse joins the picnic, keep it light. Your spouse longs to sit and enjoy the time. Once fear gets triggered—and it will, it’s back behind the wall. Everything within you will scream, “Stop! Don’t run away!” and your spouse may double their effort to stay behind the wall.

What should you do if your spouse gets that panicked look and runs behind the wall? Let go. When the door slams shut with the expectation you’ll try to ram it down what do you do? Stay put.

Let your spouse see you at the picnic, playing some music and throwing the Frisbee to the dog.

Next time? Your spouse will come out sooner—and stay out longer.

I encourage you to have the same message as President Reagan. “I will respect your wall, however if you come out, you’ll be glad you did.”

You can do this!

This is a complimentary chapter from MARRIAGE RECALL - 52 Weekly Reminders on how to love during the everyday of life.
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Marriage Recall by Chuck Fallon, LPC

Do something different, if you are in a rut.
Change something that seems insignificant, but truly isn’t.
Be intentional about building a successful marriage.Marriage Recall by Chuck Fallon, LPC

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