If your spouse has told you, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” it can cause you to panic and take steps that could make matters worse. Some typical reactions are to prompt an immediate action such as, “Let’s go see a counselor,” or “Please read this book on marriage with me,” or “Let’s get to work on our relationship.” If you’ve tried these options and they’ve been productive, keep doing them. However, usually by the time a declaration of this sort is made they tend to push the spouse further away.
These are chasing behaviors. And if you want your spouse to stop running, stop chasing!
Instead, focus on the value. All of these actions cost your spouse something—time, energy, money, effort, or emotional risk. These are all positive actions, but if your spouse doesn’t see the value, they’re not going to pay the price.
Consider the car salesman. When you walk on to the lot he doesn’t walk you up to the most expensive car and point at the sticker price.
He sits you in the car and encourages you to feel the leather, take it for a drive, experience the handling, and listen to the surround-sound. He’s trying to get you to experience the value because if you do you’re more likely to pay the price. Let your spouse experience the value of being in the relationship with you.
First, find out what your spouse values. Begin simply with a smile, a word of gratitude or a kind gesture. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, will help you understand your spouse’s love language. Whether the language is words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch—learn to speak it fluently.
If your spouse has a wall up, don’t expect the first few attempts to get through. Be patient and consistent as you practice learning how to better love your spouse.
Your new focus will be tested. But don’t worry! You can identify upcoming tests, and learn how to pass them.
For now, focus on the value!
You can do this!
